five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
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Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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