Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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