party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
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he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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