My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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