One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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