apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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