How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
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He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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