i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize