Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
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