you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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