Having a random hookup so left but love u
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize