You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
my poor anus
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Randomize