I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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