The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
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I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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