I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
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she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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