When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
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So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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