she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a squirter
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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