I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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