just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize