So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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