My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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