Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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