Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
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I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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