Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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