my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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