Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
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I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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