Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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