The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
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I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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