I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
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The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
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It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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