i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I touched a dick in church today
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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