My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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