Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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