I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
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I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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