Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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