Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
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Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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