Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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