Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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