It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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