I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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