Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
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Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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