i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
even my farts smell like vagina
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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