I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
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I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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