The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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