I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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