"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
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Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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