soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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