He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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