i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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