You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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