I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
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We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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